Reach Out and Tsumo Someone
by Graham Cray
Summary: The Hero of Suikoden IV experiences hell on earth in the form of Rita-pon. Formerly PG-13, but apparently the language was too strong. rolls eyes


Reach Out and Tsumo Someone 

By Graham Cray 

Broke, broke, broke. Dammit, I hated being broke. But stopping a Kooluk invasion was a full-time job, and more importantly, an expensive one. Of course, the monetary responsibility lay entirely on my shoulders; nevermind that Kika was a pirate captain and probably had a boudoir full of booty-the valuable kind, though if the other had been offered, I might not be complaining so much-and Ameria had years worth of bodyguard salaries paid by the richest men in the Nations squirreled away somewhere under her mattress, and Jeane...well, you just _knew_ Jeane had some money _somewhere_ I'd have paid her for _any_ service she cared to provide.

Nevermind all that, when it was time to sharpen weapons, it was me who had to pay the damn fee. Like I have two hundred thousand potch lying around. Did I _look_ loaded to them? I couldn't even afford a pair of long pants.

I'd tried running around, killing rabid seaweed and the like, but there's only so much 'skin' you can obtain before you feel like throwing yourself overboard. Plus, Lo Seng was being a fucking scrooge about his Prosperity Orb. So, instead, I decided to rub elbows with the gamblers in the saloon. Ignoring the sexually-questionable Reinbach III and Charlemagne draped across the sofas in the corner, I made my rounds through the players.

Gunter's dice game was amusing, but unprofitable. Way too random. Basil's top game, stupid and puerile. Igor's face gave me nightmares, not to mention the fact that his coin game left something to be desired; namely, money. Noah, while cute, played a game that made my head hurt; my bag was sticking the pointy end of my swords into the squishy end of the enemy, not trying to memorize a War and Peace-sized manual of rules. She did, however, point me to Rita, saying that if money was my goal, Rita-pon was the way to obtain it.

"Hey there!" said the little girl as I approached, my measly fifteen grand up for grabs.

"Hey there, Rita."

"Are you up for a game? No way I'm losing this one!"

"Sure," I said. I'd beaten her once before when asking her to come join the resistance. Her game had been easy enough, and by that I mean that I blew her out of the water. Unfortunately, it hadn't yielded much cash.

"What do you want to do?" she asked, presenting me with the choices of arranging tiles, playing her game, or quitting.

I rearranged the tiles, including my lucky set-the sultry Red Hotties of Jeane, Kika, and Ameria; the frosty Blue Assassins of Mizuki, Akaghi, and Ramada; the wistful Green Wizards of Maxine, Warlock, and Konrad; and the royal Yellow Nobles of Lino, Flare, and, unfortunately, Snowe. Satisfied, I told Rita I was rarin' to go.

"Select the rate, okay?"

"High. That's how I roll."

"Let the game begin!" Her voice was cute, and, despite my financial desperation, I found myself smiling.

The tiles were dealt out with the satisfying ithud, thud, thud/i and my smile widened as I looked at my pieces. Ramada, Akaghi, and Mizuki, two Linos and a Snowe, and a Jeane and Ameria. All I needed for victory here was a third Lino or a Flare, and a Kika.

I went first. I snatched my first tile. A Ramada. Already had one. Discard!

Rita drew, and my jaw dropped as she tossed away a Kika.

"REACH!" she shouted.

"Yeah, yeah, fine." I drew; Kika. "Yes! Reach!" I threw away the extra Lino, gunning for a Flare for the win.

Rita drew and discarded, and I went for my next tile. A freakin' Lino. "Goddamn it."

Suddenly, my Ramada tile exploded as Rita drew and used her fire rune.

"Son of a..." I said, drawing my next one. A Maxine. As I had no greens, I discarded it.

"RON!" shouted Rina, and her tiles were revealed. "Hee hee! That was fun!"

Irritation ran through my veins as the tiles were collected and five thousand point were deducted from my score. No matter, nine rounds to catch up. I'd just had a bad draw is all.

"Settle the score?" she asked.

"No way, girlie. Let's have at it."

The tiles were dealt again and this time Rita went first. As she discarded her first tile-a Konrad-the cry of "REACH!" from her lips sounded like nails on a chalkboard.

"What? No fucking way do you have Reach already!"

Rita giggled as my tile was drawn. Wind Rune. All right, let's see what she had in her little hand. Casting the rune, I waited for it to take effect. My eyes widened as I watched the rune brighten and dissipate, revealing not a single tile of Rita's.

"TSUMO!"

Another game ended, another three grand taken from me. "I'm getting good at this!" she said.

"Shut up."

"Settle the score?"

"Not a chance."

This time I had a lightning rune dealt initially and was only one Mizuki away from taking this hand.

"Reach, bitch."

I used the rune and snagged a tile. Crap. Another one. Garbage. A final one. Discard!

"PON!" said Rita, snatching up my discarded Maxine and laying the three-of-a-kind down.

Back and forth the drawing went, one more tile for Rita resulting in another gut-wrenching "REACH!". Down to three tiles remaining.

"TSUMO!"

Goddamit! How the hell had I needed _one_ measly tile from the get-go, yet I _still_ lost? As Rita's tiles were revealed, I saw that, lo and behold, she was packing three Mizukis.

"I'm getting good at this!"

Another two grand taken from me. I was down to a paltry forty-five points. I had to take this one.

I did, with the exact same combos Rita had used in the first hand.

"Ha ha! Five grand for me! Pay up, little girl!"

As two thousand was credited to my score, I grabbed Rita's hand before she could deal out the next batch.

"Hold on. How the hell did I get the same combo yet get less than _half_ of your points?"

"Settle the score?" she said.

"That's not an answer."

"Settle the score?"

"No, I'm not settling the damn score. I want to know how your tiles are worth more than mine!"

"Settle the score?"

"No!"

More tiles were dealt. Rita first. _WHOOSH_ came the sound of the Wind Rune as _five_ of my tiles were spun around. I hadn't even had time to memorize what I'd needed.

"Okay, now. How come my Wind did nothing to you?"

"REACH!"

"What!"

"TSUMO!"

Flabbergasted, I stared at my points as they dropped down to double digits once again.

"Settle the score?"

"I swear if you say that one more time, I'll stab you. We're not settling 'til I win."

This time I was saddled with two Warlocks. I drew a Maxine and discarded one of my extraneous Warlocks, hoping for the Konrad to complete the run.

My next draw-Warlock. Fuck. Into the pile.

Next-Maxine. Nope. Discard.

Next draw-Maxine. What the fuck!

"REACH!"

I screamed and drew. Lightning Rune!

Three draws, not a damn tile I could use.

"TSUMO!" cried Rita with hateful glee as she laid down the tile she'd just drawn, a Konrad to complete her Triple-Konrad Run.

"Yay! I won!"

"Oh, no you fucking didn't," I spat as she tried to walk away from the game. "Double or nothing, I'll put my ship up as collateral."

"Settle the score?" she asked, seemingly convinced.

"No."

Tiles drawn, tiles discarded.

"REACH!"

I lost.

"REACH"  
"REACH"  
"REACH"  
"REACH"  
"REACH"  
"REACH"  
"TSUMO"  
"PON"  
"RON"  
"TSUMO"  
"REACH!"

Again and again I'd lose. No matter what tile I would throw away, the tile I needed wouldn't come up. The tile to complete a run I'd screwed by tossing the tile away, however, would come up nine times out of ten. Already I'd gambled away my ship, my clothes, the Kingdoms of Obel and Gaien and Kooluk, Snowe, my first, second, and third born children, and I'd borrowed the life-savings of everyone on the ship for one final bout.

"Settle the score?"

"Fuck no. Let's keep going."

"REACH!" she cried after drawing her very first tile.

I couldn't stand her voice anymore. I was convinced that Rita was not a young girl as she appeared, but instead a sickly sadistic demon spawned from the urine-covered bathrooms in casinos across the world.

Looking down at my tiles, I realized I had Reach myself. I discarded the superfluous Ameria. I watched in barely contained fury as a water rune shone from her drawn tile, snatching up my Ameria.

"Don't say it!" I screamed, lunging across the table for her.

"RON!"

Outside, as if Nature itself anticipated the coming storm, black clouds amassed above the Love Boat. Flamingos everywhere brought their heads up from the drinking holes, searching for the predators they felt approaching. Elenor, in her chambers, stopped boozing herself up for a moment before diving for the door.

"No!" she cried.

But it was too late to do anything. My right hand pulsated with orange light as I activated the Rune of Punishment. The table went toppling over, crushing Rita even as she opened her mouth to ask me if I wanted to settle the score. The boat was next as the orange light of Death spiraled out from my hand. It cleaved the ship in two, scattering crew members hither and yon, one of them even landing in the Scarlet Moon Empire. Before he even knew where he was, the ground beneath him exploded into a raging hellfire as the very world blinked from existence.

And I, well...I was inside the Rune. Freaky as it was, at least there was no goddamn Rita-Pon.


End file.
